How America's States Got Grounded For Thirty Years
by bootslots
Summary: The States just can't behave, but today they're being insufferable! Heavily based on the video The Great State Fight. Crack. Oneshot. Rated T for swears.


**A/n** Leave all expectations of seriousness at the door, please. If you don't like State OCs, this is not the fanfic for you.

The Great State Fight video on which this was very heavily based can be found on youtube at /watch?v=YhjVJk4rsjw (add that to the end of youtube's homepage url!) I do not own anything here except my State OCs, which really I only sort of own?

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There were some days that the States could get along perfectly civilly, only a bit of bickering between bitter rivals like Ohio and Michigan, but otherwise perfect little States, if a bit bored to be there. Other days, almost no State behaved in the slightest, and fights were as common as breathing, which actually wasn't that common when Michigan and Ohio started fighting each other as Michigan liked to choke Ohio, but that's not the point. On a scale of one to ten, those days were elevens. Most days, though, fell somewhere in the middle, at about four or five on said scale.

Today started out at eight and only got worse. It was one of those days DC (no one said the full "Washington DC" because it got confused far too easily with the State, Washington) had to reign in the States long enough to get _some_thing productive done. But they were not cooperating in any way, shape, or form.

"Quit crowding me." Mississippi grumbled, not so subtly elbowing her brother, Alabama. "You're leaning over my chair.

"I'm not crowding you." Alabama shot back, shoving the girl a bit in retaliation.

Kentucky, a few seats away, sighed. "Hey Virginia, just shut up."

"Whatever." Virginia responding, barely glancing to Kentucky as she kept arguing with her sort-of-related-it's-complicated brother West Virginia. The two always did this, and Kentucky had to be between the two and caught in the crossfire of their frequent "why did you leave me" fights.

Meanwhile farther down the table, Arizona kept poking California for extremely unknown reasons, irritating California to no end. Finally, she turned to Arizona, glaring.

"That's it Arizona, I'm boycotting you."

Arizona shrugged. "Pfft, good luck doing without P.F. Chang's."

A little bit more down the table, Oregon and Washington were "debating" (they didn't like to call it arguing) with each other.

"At least I let people pump their own gas." Washington sneered.

Oregon pouted. "Hey!"

New Jersey, overhearing this comment, also shouted out a "Hey!"

"I have no sales tax," Delaware boasted

"Shut _up_ Delaware." Pennsylvania ordered.

"Buckeyes!"

"Wolverines!" Michigan retorted. Once again,to no one's surprise, Michigan and Ohio had started arguing, and once again, also to no one's surprise, the two were just getting louder and louder, and closer and closer to fighting. For the fiftieth time this year (and it was only March), DC tried and failed to get in between them and end the fight before it got physical. And, once again and still to no one's surprise, the two would begin throwing punches and kicks and chairs and the occasional other State within a few minutes.

No one was surprised.

"Sox!" Massachusetts yelled back at New York. Like Ohio and Michigan, the two fought nearly every time the two were stuck in the same room for any major periods of time.

"Yeah, why don't you go get yourself a real city," New York replied, brushing off the previous argument of baseball.

"Why don't you guys go have yourselves some gay marriages, huh, Vermont?" Georgia quipped, catching the rage of Vermont and completely ignored by both New York and Massachusetts.

"You did _not_ just go there," Vermont gasped.

Connecticut sighed. "You guys are all a bunch of idiots," she complained, wondering what all she'd done to deserve being stuck among the big bunch of dumbasses that was the rest of the northeast.

Over at the powderkeg of rivalries just waiting to blow up that was the Midwest, Illinois was going on and on about politics while a disinterested and half-asleep Iowa just nodded along.

"...and beside, blue states are so much better." Illinois finished a long spiel.

"No way, red states!" Ohio countered.

"You aren't even a real red state!" Georgia replied from directly across the table, before having to fight off an angry Vermont.

But Indiana had other topics than completely unnecessary political battles. "I'm sick of you sending all your pollution over to my place," he confronted Illinois.

Illinois shrugged. "Yeah, well why don't you get your own economy?"

Back to Mississippi and Alabama and their fight over chairs being too close together or something of that sort. The two had gone to bickering back and forth as Alabama leaned his chair to the side to crowd Mississippi as much as possible.

"Why don't you stop sleeping with everybody?" Alabama said. Mississippi had run out of comebacks. So gathering up all her courage, she spat out the first insult that came to mind.

"Oh yeah? Well... well you're a Communist!"

Everyone in the room paused their bickerings and gasped. _No one_ went that far. _Ever_.

"Oh _that's it!_" Alabama growled, shoving Mississippi out of her chair. Mississippi answered back with a slap to the face, sending both tumbling to the ground and kicking Georgia in the feet by accident.

At the onset of a physical fight, other States saw the oppurtunity to blindside their rival. Missouri punched Kansas before he could attack him. Ohio and Michigan had begun fighting at the second Alabama had shoved Mississippi, and the ever-fighting duo had managed to break three chairs and put a hole in the wall suspiciously shaped like Ohio's head in the following five seconds.

"Aw man, I've been waiting for this since 1845!" Texas whooped, cheering on the numerous fights despite DC's futile attempts at breaking them up. Just to his left the Carolinas were fighting for reasons unknown but bad enough the two were scratching and pulling at each others hair like two girls only can.

"Come at me bro," New Jersey gloated, raising his fists against both New York and Pennsylvania. "Come at me!"

"Occupy _this!_" New York one-lined before he and Pennsylvania punched New Jersey's lights out in one punch each.

Florida attacked Louisiana (who was then shoved into Texas and ending his parade of cheers at fighting), while Minnesota chased Wisconsin and Iowa out into the lobby with a baseball bat and a murderous gaze.

Over at the western end of the table, Oregon faced his neighbors, who had ganged up on him. "I'm not gonna fight I'm a pacifist!" he shouted as they threw him into the conveniently-placed fountain just a few feet away. Also in said fountain was Ohio, bruised and hiding from Michigan who had somehow yet to notice she was fighting herself.

"Wait a minute..." she turned to Ohio. "GET BACK HERE!"

Also being ganged up on was Kentucky, baring the brunt of the attacks from his many neighbors.

"C'mon y'all, that ain't fair!" he pleaded, wondering why Ohio was here and not fighting Michigan like he was two seconds ago. Then he realized Michigan had joined in too, which was completely and utterly unfair. At which point he decided to hell with only self-defense, the Louisville Slugger sitting under his chair was useful for hitting more than just a baseball.

Meanwhile over where the New England states were fighting, Vermont and New Hampshire had teamed up, and cornered Massachusetts, Connecticut, and Rhode Island. The two held a large vat of scalding-hot maple syrup above their heads, threatening the three cornered States with it if they so much and blinked wrong. So naturally Connecticut made a run for it while Rhode Island used Massachusetts as a human shield from the burning syrup.

"Please don't hurt me!" he shrieked as the molten syrup edged closer and closer to spilling out of the tilted tub. Vermont's homicidal grin, however, told him that Massachusetts's last insult had been one too many and they'd both be covered in burns and smell of maple syrup for the next few weeks.

"Have unprotected sex with me," Nevada chimed, "c'mon, I dare you."

"But you're a guy," Utah replied, thoroughly disgusted.

"Yeah, what's your point?" Utah nearly puked.

"EAT CRAB CAKES, MOTHERFUCKER!" Maryland yelled, throwing said crab cakes at any target available. Target being other State. West Virginia took the brunt of the surprise first attack, and now lay on the ground groaning like a dead man.

Idaho took this food fight method for his own, yelling a pre-battle one-liner of "There will be spuds!" in his best Arnold Schwarzenegger imitation before his prized potatoes became weapons. He nearly took Wyoming's eye out on the first shot. No pity for the weak.

Massachusetts, still covered in molten-hot maple syrup ran up behind New York and took a lighter to his prized Yankees hat. As New York ran screaming to the fountain of convenient placement, New York City, who'd been hiding under the meeting table this entire time, cheered. Then he ran because Massachusetts still had a lighter and penchant for lighting anyone with the word "New" in their name on fire.

Texas, instead of cheering on the fights, had joined them himself, and used Oklahoma as a dual human shield and weapon to beat up his neighboring States. Faced with such uncontrolled chaos with no hope of calming it down, DC did what came to him; he called Dad, or America as the reader would know him.

"Dad?"

"_Wassup, DC?"_ America answered as usual.

"They're all fighting. Literally. Every single one of them is fighting. I can't stop it. _**HELP ME!**_"

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Outside the meeting room, Hawaii hid from the fighting with Alaska.

"I'm staying out of that."

"Me too."

"Oh hi Dad."

"Shit we're grounded."

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**A/n** Forgive me tumblr for I have crackfic'd.

I normally write better than this. A high dialogue to action and insight ratio is not conducive to my writing style. This whole thing wasn't conducive to my writing style. I can't write non-angst, really. I tried, though, just for this!

Reviews are appreciated, but _constructive_ criticism please!


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